TW: This post contains details of parental abuse and violence.

For most of us, our parents are our first basis of interaction with the world and whether we realise it or not, the way we were treated at home has lasting impacts on the way we relate with ourselves and with society in general. Unfortunately, if you grew up in Nigeria, then one of your earliest experiences of what the world would look like came through physical violence, as corporal punishment is the dominating mode of child discipline in the Nigerian home.

Corporal punishment, or what we call ‘flogging’, is so tightly woven into the average Nigerian family’s discipline culture, that it’s upheld in almost every institution from our homes to schools, to religious places, and even the workplace. It’s been so widely accepted as the norm that some of our leaders feel comfortable physically assaulting female store clerks on camera, without fear of any repercussions because the very laws put in place to protect us make provisions for physical violence of some form. For those who are not familiar, there are provisions in our criminal code that allow the use of force by parents or legal guardians (and masters) on their legitimate or illegitimate children (or servant), under the age of sixteen years for ‘misconduct or disobedience to any lawful command’.

What amounts to ‘lawful command’ is left open to interpretation within each individual home. Whether parents are aware of the existence of this law or not, their power and authority over their children has definitely been abused countless times, as most Nigerians would have experienced during childhood. I, for one, remember my parents arming themselves with anything within their reach to wield as a weapon for correcting disobedience, which definitely left scars, both physical and mental, that I still remember to this day. Disobedience or not, flogging a child that’s barely learnt their way in this world is not the ‘right’ way to impart any real discipline because you inadvertently raise children who view love as suffering and abuse, and who never demand better for themselves because they are taught to silently accept the pain and trauma.

More effective than older forms of discipline, like spanking, are new techniques such as distraction and establishing routines https://t.co/x0DzxMdmUL

— Psychology Today (@PsychToday) July 20, 2020

As the child’s first point of contact in the world, the family home is meant to feel safe and nurturing not hostile and unwelcoming. Whilst there might be no denying that our parents definitely loved us, and still do, a lot of us are beginning to notice in our adult years, that we were raised on fear, manipulation, and blind servitude. Alongside this, the proliferation of videos shared on social media depicting physical abuse in the home has meant that many of us have relieved this trauma from our childhoods over again, and though the majority are well past any physical altercations from our parents, there are young adults still struggling to sustain meaningful and close connections with their parents due to years of mistreatment.

When a child is raised up on a violent disciplinary diet, a wall of resentment is inadvertently built and this wall serves as a reminder to them that they cannot communicate with their parents if they are in tough situations because they will surely be met with judgment and punishment. The breakdown of these base familial connections is a harmful one for any child as some may end up growing up having deep-rooted trust issues for authority figures that may even seep into their personal relationships, while for others, years of abuse become hard to unlearn as they end up repeating the same patterns to their own children.

Over here, we’re constantly told of the value of physical correction methods, and very often, you’ll often hear phrases like ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ in conversations surrounding discipline and correction. This has always been a part of our culture as parents believe physical violence is needed to instill discipline in their children, distinguishing them from the ‘oyinbo kids’ who they believe to be rude and disobedient as a result of not being hit. Boomers unlike millennials and Gen Zers aren’t so malleable and they believe that our generation’s new way of questioning societal standards is a harrowing indication that we’re losing touch with our tradition and becoming too westernised. This fear is completely unfounded, as the old way of doing things is just not going to slide for a generation of young adults who have been exposed to the Internet. The fact remains that we are living in a vastly different world to that of our parents and the increasing understanding that we are all connected has spurred more empathy from many young adults today.

Nobody:
Nigerian parents: pic.twitter.com/JFGMRnRnF9

— isaac⚡ (@GAd3deji) July 20, 2020

Given that authority is flouted at all levels of life in Nigeria and the way that we generally treat each other is widely atrocious, I don’t see any discernible benefit of the brutish disciplinary methods that characterises the Nigerian upbringing. It’s time to do away with these methods and really question why we result to them in the first place. Looking at our society, it is clear to see that many adults don’t view children as individuals in their own right but as extensions of them. Not that there’s any ‘right’ reason to have kids, but we’re sure that if you asked any Nigerian parent why they did, many won’t immediately say it’s because they wanted to bring independent individuals into this world to blossom but because they are more concerned with their children carrying on their legacies or living the lives that they were not afforded while growing up.

Parenting is not just about providing for a child, and we have to reach a point where we go beyond surface-level connections with children and actually nurture and form the basis of how they love others and love themselves. The dangers of children growing up as adults who have lacked a foundational basis for love is very damaging and we can see this today, with a society of young people who are not sure of themselves and who become easily swayed when making value judgments. It leads to a generation of young adults who are raised to readily accept abuse and protect abusers rather than speak up when things are clearly wrong. This is damaging because we end up with people who choose to mask evil and violence with faux perceptions of ‘culture’ rather than demand social progress.

What has long been the case in many homes is that when physical violence is no longer effective in disciplining the child, many parents substitute this method for emotional and verbal abuse, which isn’t even considered to be a big deal in many homes. Even more dangerous than physical abuse, verbal abuse tends to form the basis for self-depreciation, as the voices in your head are often made up of what you’re being told about yourself. Parents don’t tend to realise these harmful effects on their children until it’s far too late, when their children have grown up ill-equipped to take on adult life due to a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem.

Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re always tracing things back to our parents and we spend a lot of time either attributing or blaming our actions on them because they have a responsibility to care for us. So when you raise a child on a diet of criticism, judgment, abuse, and physical violence, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from their parents, and embody the toxicity they were raised upon. Luckily as a generation, we’re more aware and willing to break the chain and unlearn harmful behaviours our parents didn’t from theirs. Regardless of this, when we see brutal cases of abuse, from the South African father whose son only passed music after his father paid $21,000 in school fees, to that of a young boy profusely begging with his mum to ‘calm down’ and not flog him, we’re taken back to when we felt helpless as children, and our voices were stifled by their authority.

After a lifetime of regurgitating to yourself the negative messages that are well-entrenched in your mind from the adults who raised you, to end the cycle we must heal and move on from this past trauma. In a bid to help you begin this process, we’ve compiled a list of helpful steps (from a number of online psychology platforms that promote healing for children who have been abused at home) that could go along way in your journey towards recovery.

Establish healthy boundaries.

Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity as an adult and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being. Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and the first step in forming them is to access the boundaries that already exist (or are lacking) in your life. With parents, establishing and maintaining boundaries can be very tricky especially if you live together but communicating with your parents that you’re an adult who is unwilling to compromise in matters regarding YOU is an important step.  It could really be as simple as being able to lock your room door or not attending your childhood church, and range to bigger steps like moving out. The best thing about boundaries is that they’re not set in stone. It’s good to think about them and occasionally reassess.

It’s okay to cut ties with a toxic parent.

This is easier said than done because many of us are still financially tied to our parents due to school, work, and other reasons. As you grow older, you should only be surrounding yourself with fulfilling relationships that serve you wholly. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, even your parents, you’re not responsible for them or for the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep being abused, belittled, shamed or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision.

It’s also okay to not cut ties.

Not everyone can walk away from a relationship with their parents, especially when you are reliant on them in the early stages of adulthood. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. This links back to establishing healthy boundaries, as living under the same roof can get triggering if those boundaries aren’t in place. Always remind yourself that you won’t spend the rest of your life living under their shadow and you’ll be in a place to move on when the time comes, if that what you want and need. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know hurts you, so keep your chin up and stay afloat.

Find your voice.

When you grow up around toxic parents, you are conditioned to believe that the only voice that matters is that of your parents (or authority figures), thereby stifling yours.  Along with this, you learn that only your parents are allowed to have and express feelings and opinions and you are forced to endure their harsh words. Reframe your mindset from this and understand the power and importance of your voice in the world. You are not the ugly words you’ve been called and you deserve to share your gifts with the world so keep working at talking your shit until it becomes second nature.

Surround yourself with good friends.

Friends can be an escape from the pressures at home, so it’s always good to surround yourself with a strong and compassionate support system that is considerate of your past experiences and never use them against you. Also, remember that your friends are their own individuals and may also be coming from toxic environments themselves. In this vein, it helps to cultivate an environment where everyone shares their feelings and fears. Simply being able to speak out loud about the voices in your head is a step to recovery.

Be careful of repeating these patterns with others.

You might find yourself drawn to people who have similarities to your toxic parent. We’re all human. We’re all going to get it wrong sometimes, so don’t beat yourself up if you notice toxic patterns. The first step to recovery is self-awareness so you’re already halfway there. Be gentle with yourself and constantly process your thoughts and actions to assess if they’re detrimental to yourself or to those around you.

Seek professional help.

All these tips are much easier said than done but to really make sure you’re keeping consistent with boundaries and voicing your feelings, the best step is to seek professional mental help to get you through these difficult feelings. This might be a difficult step for those without the funding to seek professional help but there’s a myriad of resources available online right at your fingertips. To help you on your search, we’ve put below are a few websites to get you started on your journey of healing. Although they are not specifically tailored to the Nigerian experience, these websites have proven helpful to us, and we hope they will be to you also.

Positive Psychology 

We Have Kids

Help Guide 

Psychology Today

Featured image credits/Debola Abimbolu

Tami is uninterested in what you have to say. Don’t tweet at her @tamimak_

ICYMI: Is it mesmerising? Is it triggering? Is it cake?